lets go back a few posts?
it was a nice sunny warm day and the pigeons were back to get some grab.
the pigeons you see, they have a different spot to get boring old stall bread but this here spot of mine, expensive dog food.
only a few birds at the time knew about this magical nutrients packed pellets, that costed so much money.
the dog you see, a picky eater who doesn’t get fed properly.
cloths are hang on the line & the birds are chirping out the door.
some much junk laying around the house. i decided to get the camera out & clearing some of the junk out of the door.
one big heavy desk, no room for one, got 2.
all setup & there is no way i can sell a desk with such dirty floors.
quick, out came the mop but only after the massive desk was packed away.
master floor sweep moper. i moved & packed the furniture on top of each other, to not waste any time.
you see to clean your tiles, the floor has to be swept, mop with water, then you have to wait for god to to the rest.
after god shined those floors clean. the big desk carried once more.
you see this desk is a big desk and this desk was surely heavy. i surely am unfit. every time i go to battle with this desk, i end up defeated.
god’s grace wasn’t done with the floors before the monster arose from pits of depression.
i don’t know how far back the depression goes but it’s all i have ever known.
why did you wake me up early? i didn’t.
why is there no food cooked? you woke up early.
the monster then roars with disdain.
hide the mop stick.
hide the bucket of water.
running to the room, oh so fast.
the monster is stomping and stampeding all over the home.
i defeated by that damn desk.
why the desk have to be so big & heavy?
god’s light shone on me that day. away i go. deep sleep. i can’t wake up.
the monster didn’t stop until there was no power to feed off. smashing through the door roaring but god’s light & that heavy desk, wasn’t going to wake my deep sleep.
off the monster went trotting looking for more power to feed itself. only to return with non.
the monster roared the neighbours awake as the door went flying. god’s slumber sleep is not so easy to break.
eventually my body found a bit of strength to pick up a dazed out person, waking to no light.
off to do what the monster refuses to do. operating a heavy moving vehicle. eyes glazed out still sleeping, no clear visual. when the heavy moving vehicle gets a request to turn, the head bobbling all over the place, clearly not in heavy vehicle recommendations for moving forward.
can i have some power please? as knees start to buckle & the only saving grace was the counter being used to keep the body up right.
no power here.
in the current condition traversing into the unknown seeking power, holds high risk but for the monster’s roar, on i shall go.
no power here.
no power here.
farther i do not dare go. it’s one thing for my own life to end by a monster, than to risk other lives. back home i shall go, to god’s embrace, of an ill forgotten world fading away.
quickly i run as fast i could. seek shelter for the monster is about to explode.
click. managed to get the door locked.
bang bang bang. roar.
silence embrace for no monsters in god’s sleep awake.
monster stomps. bangs. broken thrown. my hair, roar.
the monster goes off to bring an even more hateful monster. a slave going to fetch it’s master of hate for all love of monster.
days spelt clearing and cleaning the room and visiting family for the last time. i went to rest but found sugar and cake. that big desk again.
monster lays silent and oh so pleasant when the family comes around. while i slipped away to lock myself in the dungeon. the monster surely will seek blood because i went to the family by myself.
scared i lay awake tired until the sugar wore off. days without sleeping. i fall into a deep sleep.
before the crack of dawn. out of my slumber the loudest banging i have ever heard. monster seeking servitude, not caring that i lay deep asleep.
in the mist of the loud banging. silent zzzz is all the monster got in return for it’s roaring nature. deafening silence.
throughout the day, in & out of slumber, rest being built up in pieces.
one final bang at the door.
the loving words i now bare everyday ringing in my head.
you are possessed by the ghost of a fallen family member ( who take their own life by suicide) and now the monster seeding a story about how i am now trying to kill myself by suicide.
you only think that your family loves you and can stop you from killing yourself. this is how the monster loves to roar it’s love.
if you have made the decision to kill yourself, go ahead and do it. nobody is going to stop you. the monster can’t comprehend beyond self.
they call it, man’s best friend. laying by my side, my trusty best friend, the dog, sleeping next to me, not even bothered by the monster’s roar. not understanding the words.
do not kill the dog along with yourself. it is not fair towards the dog.
the same family who picked me up & dropped me off to the monster’s disdain.
the same family the monster rang up, come quick the dog is being hurt.
the same family who lost a child to suicide not back a few months prior. the monster hold no shame, in how it uses other people’s hurt & pain.
i now awake. on the internet, the new game of thrones episode & i slept. no spoilers.
youtube recommended a failarmy video having me laughing my ass off. i just found out about failarmy & was enjoying the content.
knock knock knock. open up it’s your family.
oh dear god, what to the monster do.
i must choose between family and a monster.
this monster just used your died child’s suicide, to make up a story of how i am trying to kill myself, by telling me to go kill myself.
i am no monster. i wouldn’t do that to people. better to not know the monster at the table than to ever see the family again.
the monster loves visiting & spending time & eating chicken, at the family.
while i stay locked away with loving words seeded to grow. go kill yourself.
i can not forgive this one. because now i can not trust. you want me dead. and that is love.
family told me, you know the monster loves you. and i laughed and it only hit me then. the monster has never loved me. all the monster has taught me, is not love. all the monster wanted was a slave, kaffer, nigger, to service every call beckoned.
to this day, the monster says, that it did not say anything. and that non of this happened. and it it was just all in my mind.
because the monster’s version of the story needed for the family to accept.
do i go against the monster’s version of the story. i was trying to kill myself because a dead family member’s open coffin …? i heard this recently from the monster.
the monster who is still roaring at me to go and kill myself. throwing objects right into my face, standing right in front of me. then banging the top of my head.
family unseen for years.
the monster ate chicken at the family, yesterday.
roaring that i should go kill myself, today, smashing my head open.
leaving blood behind. & silence.
tomorrow we act like nothing happened.
the monster is a church person and church people are good people you see. and jesus has to help those who can’t help themselves, no matter how loud they scream & how hard they hit & how much they want you dead.
jesus just wants you to be alive.
monsters wants you to be the stories they tell themselves in church, of good.
jesus just wants you to be alive.
i want to be alive. but a seed suicide has been planted. a seed can not grow without water & without god’s warm embrace.
i am alive but at what costs.
everyday i just try to be alive. it’s not easy when monster’s plant seeds death into your head.
and i have no idea how to get those loving words out of my head, go kill yourself. also makes it hard when the monster won’t even acknowledge. because an even shitty monster is crawling on it’s shoulder telling it what to do.